I was raped about a year ago, it happened at the bathhouse. In the last year, I thought that I had dealt with it. As one year since it happened came closer and closer, I kept thinking about it more and more. I kept replaying what happened in my mind, over and over. Whenever I would think about it, I was consumed with guilt and sadness.
In my last couple therapy sessions, I kept saying I wanted to write a letter to my rapist to work through what I was feeling. I did this previously, writing a letter to my dad and it worked well. Of course, I love to procrastinate and keep those feelings bottled up, so I kept putting it off. Well, finally, today, I wrote that letter. It was hard.
At one point I was so angry I punched my table, the next moment I was sobbing uncontrollably. I'm glad I finally did this, I needed to write that letter, get those feelings out. I feel like I ran a marathon but I also have a feeling of letting go. I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow and the lower back pain I have had for over a month is all of a sudden starting to feel better. Here is the letter I wrote:
Fuck you! You rapist piece of shit. I said no. I told you to stop. I think about that night, all the time. I replay it over and over in my mind. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently. I get angry when I wonder this. I didn't need to do anything different. You did!
You need to not be a rapist! When someone tells you to stop, you need to fucking stop! What? Were you annoyed that you weren't going to get to cum? FUCK YOU! You know what's worse than you not getting to cum?
Having you on top of me, your dick inside me, while you say no, when I asked you to stop. When I tried to get up and you pushed me back down. When I tried to yell NO louder and you put your hand over my mouth to silence me. I bit your hand, did that stop you? No, it didn't. You kept raping me. I withdrew consent and you didn't give a fuck. I was an object for you to use.
Everything started going dark. I remember thinking to myself "I can't believe this is happening." I could hear others in the bathhouse, chatting, having sex. Here I was, being raped, with dance music and sex noises as my soundtrack. I started checking out, going to my safe place, when all of a sudden, I thankfully got angry. I yelled "I fucking said no! Get off me!" I hit you on your side, I pushed back as hard as I could and threw you off me.
You landed on the floor, looking scared and saying "sorry, sorry, I didn't meat to" GUESS WHAT? YOU FUCKING MEANT TO! YOU RAPED ME! How dare you be fucking scared, you piece of shit rapist! I said no, several times. I asked you to stop.
You said no to me. You pushed me down, you covered my mouth. You knew what you were doing. After you left my room, I sat there, naked, alone, scared, crying. I thought "do I report this?" Then I imagined telling a police officer that I voluntarily went to the bathhouse. That I consented to sex with you. That I withdrew consent, but I was worried they would view me as a slut for being at the bathhouse. I worried they wouldn't take me seriously.
I've held this in for the last year. It's been eating away at me. That's on you! You raped me! You made me feel less than, scared, alone, sad, angry. I've felt guilty that you may have done this to others after me. Fuck you! I'm returning that guilt, that anger, that sadness back to you.
It's not my fault. You are responsible for you. I'm not allowing you to control me anymore. I did nothing wrong. It's not my fault.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Choosing Me: A letter to my dad
Letting go, it's not easy. Moving on, it's not easy. These last few months I've been very depressed. Irritable, angry, sad, empty. In therapy I've been talking about how angry I am with myself. I take everything out on myself. At one point, the emotions got so bad I cut myself. It was really bad this time. I cut the word whore in my left thigh and the word fag into my right thigh. Every time I get in the shower, change my clothes, I can't help but look at the scars on my leg. Every time I look at them I get angry, angry at myself. I feel ashamed for cutting myself. I feel disgusted with myself.
In therapy when we were talking about my negative feelings towards myself, he asked me to close my eyes and think of the first time when I felt less than. Within 30 seconds I thought of being a child. I cried a lot as a child and it made my dad angry. He would tell me "boys don't cry", "man up", "we don't cry." As he said this, there was always this look of disappointment in his eyes. I always felt he was disappointed I was gay. He would make comments about the fags in the pride parade and make jokes about gay people. I was allowing him to make me feel less than.
My therapist proposed an exercise for me, to write a letter to my dad, expressing how I felt. I've done this letter writing before for other people/experiences in my life. I agreed it would be a good thing for me to do... it took me almost 2 months to write it.
It's funny, I thought I had resolved my feelings about my dad. Years ago I went through a four month group therapy program. Twice I told my dad how I felt about certain things. I talked about how he scared me as a child with his drinking and anger. I told him how I felt our relationship is one sided, that it's me always reaching out and when we talk he just spends the whole time complaining about things. I set boundaries for our relationship. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on... boy I was wrong!
As a child I felt alone, unwanted and a burden. I was very lonely as a child. I just wanted to be loved and acknowledged. My dad was an alcoholic and would get angry at lot. I remember my mom and him getting in intense arguments, him punching holes in the wall. Whenever he would get angry, I would think "is today the day he is going to hit me." That's no way for a child to live.
I wrote the letter. It was difficult to write. I realized something as I wrote it. I've never mourned the loss of the life I could have had, that I wanted to have. I've been holding on to how things should have been. I've been directing my anger at myself, not the person who caused it, my dad. I've been treating myself like shit for so long, for too long and I don't want to do it anymore.
I've allowed myself to feel worthless and weak because of what he said and did. I'm angry that I feel a lot of my life has been taken away because he wasn't there for me. He didn't support me in the way I needed. He chose alcohol over me and that wasn't okay. I'm sad I don't have a relationship with him but I realized something important, I can't have his negativity, his anger, in my life. I need to put myself first, I deserve to be put first. I deserve to be loved and respected. I deserve to love myself and respect myself. I deserve kindness.
I can't change the past, I can't forget what happened, but I can acknowledge it, deal with it and use it to move forward in a healthy way.
This was a hard letter to write. It wasn't just a letter to him, it was a letter to myself. I cried writing this letter. I have never cried like this in my life. I cried so hard, so loud, I made noises that sounded like I just had someone important die. In a way I did have someone die, I had to let a part of me go. I had to mourn the loss of my childhood and the person who I thought I should have been. I had snot dripping out my nose, I was drooling and gasping for air. I had years and years of emotions finally being released.
At one point I stopped writing, I threw the letter on the ground and started addressing my dad out loud. At first I could only get out "fuck you, fuck you dad, fuck you! Fuck you!" Through the slobber and snot, I said "you've taken so much away from me, you have made my life so difficult, I'm moving on. Fuck you! I deserve happiness and kindness. I'm moving on!"
I ended the letter with "Goodbye dad, I'm choosing me."
Goodbye doesn't mean I won't speak to him again. It doesn't mean I hate him. I forgive him. I see a fellow human being who has also struggled with life, who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, his demons. Just because I forgive him, doesn't mean I need him in my life regularly. It doesn't mean I will take on his negativity and his anger. I will put myself first. I will choose me because I am worth it.
In therapy when we were talking about my negative feelings towards myself, he asked me to close my eyes and think of the first time when I felt less than. Within 30 seconds I thought of being a child. I cried a lot as a child and it made my dad angry. He would tell me "boys don't cry", "man up", "we don't cry." As he said this, there was always this look of disappointment in his eyes. I always felt he was disappointed I was gay. He would make comments about the fags in the pride parade and make jokes about gay people. I was allowing him to make me feel less than.
My therapist proposed an exercise for me, to write a letter to my dad, expressing how I felt. I've done this letter writing before for other people/experiences in my life. I agreed it would be a good thing for me to do... it took me almost 2 months to write it.
It's funny, I thought I had resolved my feelings about my dad. Years ago I went through a four month group therapy program. Twice I told my dad how I felt about certain things. I talked about how he scared me as a child with his drinking and anger. I told him how I felt our relationship is one sided, that it's me always reaching out and when we talk he just spends the whole time complaining about things. I set boundaries for our relationship. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on... boy I was wrong!
As a child I felt alone, unwanted and a burden. I was very lonely as a child. I just wanted to be loved and acknowledged. My dad was an alcoholic and would get angry at lot. I remember my mom and him getting in intense arguments, him punching holes in the wall. Whenever he would get angry, I would think "is today the day he is going to hit me." That's no way for a child to live.
I wrote the letter. It was difficult to write. I realized something as I wrote it. I've never mourned the loss of the life I could have had, that I wanted to have. I've been holding on to how things should have been. I've been directing my anger at myself, not the person who caused it, my dad. I've been treating myself like shit for so long, for too long and I don't want to do it anymore.
I've allowed myself to feel worthless and weak because of what he said and did. I'm angry that I feel a lot of my life has been taken away because he wasn't there for me. He didn't support me in the way I needed. He chose alcohol over me and that wasn't okay. I'm sad I don't have a relationship with him but I realized something important, I can't have his negativity, his anger, in my life. I need to put myself first, I deserve to be put first. I deserve to be loved and respected. I deserve to love myself and respect myself. I deserve kindness.
I can't change the past, I can't forget what happened, but I can acknowledge it, deal with it and use it to move forward in a healthy way.
This was a hard letter to write. It wasn't just a letter to him, it was a letter to myself. I cried writing this letter. I have never cried like this in my life. I cried so hard, so loud, I made noises that sounded like I just had someone important die. In a way I did have someone die, I had to let a part of me go. I had to mourn the loss of my childhood and the person who I thought I should have been. I had snot dripping out my nose, I was drooling and gasping for air. I had years and years of emotions finally being released.
At one point I stopped writing, I threw the letter on the ground and started addressing my dad out loud. At first I could only get out "fuck you, fuck you dad, fuck you! Fuck you!" Through the slobber and snot, I said "you've taken so much away from me, you have made my life so difficult, I'm moving on. Fuck you! I deserve happiness and kindness. I'm moving on!"
I ended the letter with "Goodbye dad, I'm choosing me."
Goodbye doesn't mean I won't speak to him again. It doesn't mean I hate him. I forgive him. I see a fellow human being who has also struggled with life, who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, his demons. Just because I forgive him, doesn't mean I need him in my life regularly. It doesn't mean I will take on his negativity and his anger. I will put myself first. I will choose me because I am worth it.
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