I have cut down the fast food and drinking pop, it's been hard but worth it. Back in November (when I was really sick - I am sure this is when I seroconverted) I lost 17 pounds. I used that as motivation to try and lose weight and lost and additional 8 pounds. Then for the next few months that 8 pounds kept coming and going, and coming back again, and then going away again haha. Lately I have been trying harder and I have officially lost 30 pounds since November. In November I weighed 205 pounds, the other day I weighed myself and I am 175 - woot woot! I feel so much better, have more energy, clothes fit better, rarely have stomach pains. I've had fast food during this time but not as often and making better choices. Also I haven't had any Pepsi in the last two or three weeks - this is an amazing feat. I LOVE PEPSI! I love the way the bubbles dance on my tongue, the way the carbonation feels rough on my throat. The taste of Pepsi is like no other (boo Coke - Coke sucks!). I heart Pepsi but I had to say goodbye to him. He can no longer be my boyfriend. Maybe just a fuck buddy once in awhile.
I told my other close friends about my situation. I told them about the bankruptcy, being depressed and getting HIV. I also had to tell them that I couldn't go on a trip in June that we all planned to do, I felt extra guilty because they bought my plane ticket for my birthday, but I told them with the financial difficulties I couldn't afford the accommodation, renting a car, etc. I chickened out though and couldn't tell them in person, I e-mailed them. My other friend who I told right away said " at least they got an e-mail, you text messaged me haha". I wrote the e-mail at about four in the morning (I did this intentionally because I didn't want them to read it right away lol). It took me about an hour and half to write it and send it, most of the time I sat staring at the computer, my palms getting sweaty, me flopping around my bed like a dying seal debating, should I send it?. I would put my hand on the mouse, about to click the button, and then I would fling myself away from the computer (if you haven't figured out already, I am a bit dramatic haha). Finally at 530 am I sent the e-mail. Then panic mode set in. OH MY GOD! Did I do the right thing??? What if they don't want to be my friend anymore? What if they hate me or are angry with me? I laid in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about all the possible scenarios. It felt like hours before I fell asleep (I think it was only an hour haha). I woke up around noon and my first thought was - did they respond? I text messaged my friend who knew already and let her know I was freaking out. She kept reminding me that they love me and that it will be fine. I got dressed, ate breakfast - well lunch since it was afternoon (I am so not a morning person) went to work. My entire shift at work I kept checking my e-mail on my phone to see if they responded. Nothing! I sat there, thinking oh shit, they are not responding, they don't want to talk to me anymore. Then my friend reminded me that I just dropped a lot of information on them and they need to time to react and time to figure out how to respond. Around midnight I received my first response back from one of my friends ( I sent the e-mail to three of my friends). She stated that she loved me and that she was here for me, and she understood that if I didn't want to talk about it right away, we didn't have to. Then later on my other two friends responded, basically saying the same thing that they love me, they are here for me, that we can talk about it when I am ready, they felt bad that I was keeping this all in. They also said that not to worry about the trip that they would take care of everything, that they really wanted me there and that I had to come. I have the most amazing friends in the world! I can't believe I ever doubted them and thought they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. It is amazing what stress and emotions can do to a person. I am so thankful to have my friends in my life, they are like family to me. Next week we go on our trip, which I am looking forward to. I need a few days off from work and life, just need to go have a good time and enjoy life.
This Tuesday coming up I go and get my second set of blood work done, my followup appointment to get the results isn't until July 22nd, will suck having to wait that long. I hope my cd4 count went up and viral load down - I am hoping since I have lost weight, been eating healthier and exercising more that will help. It's going to be a long few days. On Monday I work 530 pm to 2am and then on Tuesday my appointment is at 930 am and then I work 1pm to 930 pm after the appointment. Then on Wednesday I am taking my friend to go get surgery (then on Thursday my flight is at 7am). She unfortunately found out she has cervical cancer and has to have surgery. (This is the friend who I told right away about having HIV). She has been very supportive to me so I am hoping to do the same for her. Unfortunately it has progressed to the point where they can't use lasers for the surgery, they have to cut out part of her cervix. I know she is freaking out (which I don't blame her, I would be too) but she is such a strong person, I know she will get through this. I know her family is there for her, I am there for her and her boyfriend is too. Last week my sister called me and told me that the doctor thinks that she might have MS. Then I found out that my baby nephew who is only 7 months old may have had a stroke or may have cerebral palsy (doctors aren't sure which one yet, they need to go to a specialist and have an MRI done). It's a lot to deal with, while I am trying to deal with my own crazy shit in my life, but I keep trying to remind myself that most people have crazy shit going on in their lives and it can always be worse, just got to play with what you been dealt.
I think I am all caught up now, I will try and update more often, so I don't have to write a novel each time haha.
Peace out for now :-)
