Underwear Addiction

I have an underwear addiction. Seriously! I was hanging out with my friends last night and I mentioned that I had gone to the mall earlier in the day. They asked me what I got, and I said oh just some underwear. They started laughing and said you always buy underwear, how many pairs do you think you have. I said oh I don't lots. 

Well today, I was cleaning my room and decided to find out how many pairs I actually have. Are you ready for the number? Drum roll please.......... I have 197 pairs of underwear. 197!!!! So I laid them all out on my bed and took a picture. Then I stacked them and took a picture. I will attach the pictures to show you my crazy underwear addiction. 

I even counted how many of each kind I have. The breakdown as follows:

97 Boxer Briefs

68 Briefs

16 Jockstraps

14 Thongs

2 Regular Boxers

I imagine how much money I have spent on underwear, OMG! Lot's of them I bought on sale though, that makes it alright, right? RIGHT? Haha

The funny part is, it bothers me that its 197, I feel the urge to go out and buy three more pairs to make it an even 200. Hahaha.

Wait till I am in California at the end of the month, I am sure I will have more to add to the collection, tee hee. 

I Can Breathe!

I finally went back to the gym today, I haven't been to the gym since early last year. It went really well. Last December I was diagnosed with severe Asthma. I made sure to take my inhaler before going to the gym. OMG! This is what it feels like to breathe normally while working out. I have always found working out difficult because I would become short of breath easily. I always thought that was normal, just how I was. But obviously it wasn't. I was on the treadmill for forty five minutes and didn't feel like dying. I also did weights as well.

I've also started going to Yoga. It's called gayish yoga, it's geared towards the gay community but anyone is welcome. The first two times I went I didn't take my inhaler - big mistake. I felt like death by the end of it. The yoga class is an hour and half long. My friend looked over at me and said "umm your quite pale." The third time I went I remembered to take my inhaler before hand, and my breathing was spectacular, it was beautiful. I ended the class tired but a good tired not a I am going to pass out because I can't breathe tired.

I remember when I used to run cross-country in junior high and high school, I was good at it but always at the end I would have troubles breathing. It amazes me I never had a severe asthma attack...thankfully!

Yay for normal breathing! Woot woot!

Massage & HIV

About a month ago I started going to a Massage Therapist. I am constantly having back pain and thought I would give it a try. I've gone to a Massage Therapist a couple of times in the past, it was good and relaxing but wasn't great. I decided to give it a try again. I found the best Massage Therapist ever. He really gets into the muscles, I love it. It is the best massage I have ever had. I like that he uses his arm and slowly goes over the muscle. It feels so great and really loosens everything up.

There is another reason I like him. He has been great with the fact that I am HIV positive. When I went there for the first time, I filled out the usual forms. It has a list of conditions to check off, such as being HIV Positive. At first I wasn't going to check off the box for being HIV positive. I thought what's the point? There is no risk of him contracting HIV from me during the massage. But then I thought why am I trying to hide it? I really don't care if he knows I have HIV. So I checked off the box.

We went into the room and he said I noticed you checked off the HIV box. I have never had a client with HIV before. I thought to myself, not that you knew about. I also thought great, is he going to have a problem with this. He then said, are you on medications? I said yes I am. I thought to myself, is he seriously worried about contracting HIV. The next thing he said was, do your medications cause any issues, such as skin or muscle issues, I ask because I want to make sure I don't apply to much pressure if your medications cause any issues. I hope it's okay that I asked.

I felt like an ass. I made an assumption and I was wrong. What a great guy, making sure he is educating himself so he can make sure he gives me the best massage therapy possible. I told him that the medications don't cause any issues like that and that he didn't have to modify how he performed the massage therapy. I thanked him for asking and told him to feel free to ask me any questions about HIV.

The second time I went in for a massage, he took the opportunity to ask me some questions. He asked about how HIV can be transmitted and we talked about me having to contact previous partners. I told him that the nurse actually does that for you and does it confidentially. He said that is great, as you wouldn't want to have to worry about that, as you are trying to deal with the diagnosis itself.

Not only does he give an amazing massage, he was great about asking questions about HIV. He again asked if it was okay to ask me questions, I said definitely, as it helps reduce the stigma. Best massage therapist ever!

Road Rage...I Blew Him a Kiss

I was driving home from work today and the snow is blowing all over the place. There was a guy riding my ass, obviously he felt I wasn't going fast enough. He pulled up beside me and stared me down, so I gave him the finger. He was a very heavy set guy, probably in his forties. He was a few feet ahead of me, in the lane next to me, all of a sudden he let go of the steering wheel, put his arms over his head and started pounding his fist into his hand. It looked so stupid I started laughing uncontrollably. He was not happy about this. He started tapping his breaks to intimidate me, which didn't work since he wasn't even in the same lane as me. I just kept laughing. He moved into the left turning lane and was slowing down so I caught up to him. When I was across from his started shaking his fists so I blew him a kiss. The look on his face was priceless.

I used to have issues with road rage. Before I went through the group therapy program, I held in all my anger. Eventually I would get so full of anger it would spill out in unhealthy ways, such as road rage. I remember one time, I was driving down the freeway and there was a truck full of young guys. They were in the same lane as me  and all of a sudden went across three lanes of traffic, cutting off a few vehicles. I shook my head in disbelief, well they saw that and didn't like that so they cut back over through the three lanes of traffic, got in front of me and slammed on their brakes and then tried to take off. My anger over took me and I sped off after them. Weaving in and out of traffic trying to chase them down. I eventually realized how stupid I was being and backed off and let them get out of sight. What was I really going to do? Get out of my car and fight them? No way in hell, I wouldn't have a chance.

Thankfully I haven't lost my cool in quite a long time. Now I just laugh and blow kisses.

Label Me Please

I'm cranky today. I'm sad, I'm angry. I woke up today and hate the world. I didn't want to get out of bed. I pressed snooze, over and over and over again. I finally rolled out of bed and dragged my ass to the shower. I got in my car and drove to Tim Hortons, I got myself an iced cappuccino and breakfast sandwich, hoping it would make me feel better, it didn't.

I arrived at work and was not motivated to work at all. I spun around in my chair a few times, I stared at the wall, went to the washroom even though I really didn't need to go. My co-worker and I went on a Tim Hortons run for everyone, at least I wasn't the only one not in the mood to work. Finally noon arrived and I got to go home - I am still only working half days due to my medical leave.

I'm feeling shitty and hating life, so what do I do, I go to the food court at the mall. I go back to one of my bad behaviours and get greasy bad food. This time I select Chinese food, I haven't had Chinese food in a long time. I take it to go and head home. I go to my room, throw on a Criminal Minds dvd and eat my Chinese food in my bed. Was the Chinese Food worth it? Yes and no. Yes because it was damn tasty. No because it made me feel all gross and made me feel bad about myself.

I hate these ups and downs I have. Yesterday I was in a great mood. I got home from work and decided I was going to cook. I made myself a bacon carbonara pasta and home made garlic bread. It was super tasty and I was impressed at how well it turned out. I don't normally cook. I was so jolly yesterday and now today I feel miserable. How the hell does it turn off and on that quickly? I hate it!

There have been so many times I've been convinced I have Bipolar Disorder. When I went for an assessment at the Psychiatry clinic to get into the group therapy program, the Psychiatrist quickly dismissed the idea of me being Bipolar. She asked me if I go days on end with no sleep. I said no and she quickly replied with, well then your not bipolar. I was angry. I felt like she quickly dismissed me and what I was feeling and had to say. I shut down and I immediately hated her. Just a minute before I really liked her and thought she was awesome. Looking back that was obviously my Borderline Personality Disorder kicking in.

I've been thinking about why I am so desperate to be labelled as Bipolar. I have enough labels already, don't I? I'm HIV positive. I'm a gay man. I have Major Depression. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Why then do I want to be labelled as Bipolar? Because I want to be fixed. I want someone to give me some pills and say, take these you will be fixed. You will be normal - another label. I know in reality that's not true. I know with Bipolar disorder, trying to find the right combination of medications is difficult and involves a lot of trial and error. And even though you are on medications it doesn't mean they will always work.

I guess I am just frustrated that my depression is kicking in today. I am frustrated that I went through four months of group therapy and I am not normal. I need to remind myself what one of the therapists said. He said "your not going to change overnight, it's going to take practice. You are trying to change decades worth of behaviours, you need to take baby steps." He's right I need to take one step at a time, and realize setbacks will happen.

I had a date

I had a date last weekend. I was extremely nervous. I haven't been on a date in a long time. A couple of years actually. The last time I was on a date was a few months after I was diagnosed with HIV. I joined a dating website for people living with HIV. We hung out a few times but it didn't go anywhere, mainly because he was a jackass haha. He would always make plans and cancel them. I finally had enough and told him so.

This guy isn't HIV positive, that I am aware of. We started chatting on a regular dating website. We met  for coffee. I think going for coffee for a first date is a good idea. It's nice and casual, no pressure. The date went well, we were there for two hours and had good conversation. I didn't really find him attractive, not my type. I decided it's only the first date and I'm really nervous so I won't make any snap judgements.

One of the things I worried about is, having to disclose that I am HIV positive. If we hit it off and go on more dates at what point do I tell him? Do I wait until we've gone a few dates. Who knows what the answer is.

We went on a second date, we went for dinner. Conversation was a lot more awkward this time. A few silent moments. We were struggling to find things to talk about. Again I found myself not attracted to him. Not even a tingle in my bits going on. I realized I was trying to force myself to be attracted to him. I don't have much dating experience and have had a lot of issues in the past. I really wanted this to work out. I had to take a step back and realize, I'm only thirty. I don't have to settle, I have lot's of time to meet the right guy. This is a huge change for me. If this was before going through the group therapy program, I would have kept going out on dates even though I didn't want to.

At least I didn't have to disclose about the HIV, phew! But I will have to cross that bridge eventually. Hopefully I will figure out how to do it, when the time comes.

I'm a flavour whore!

I feel tired and depressed today. It's all my fault really. I was hanging out with friends last night and we were drinking. Usually if I only have two to three drinks I am fine, but any more than that, I usually end up feeling depressed the next day. I'm not surprised, it's commonly known that alcohol acts a depressant. Probably not the best thing for me to be drinking since I have had bouts of major depression. I just can't help it though, I love the taste of red wine. Mmmmm so delicious. Probably didn't help that I had two beers and a tequila sunrise on top of that, oops. I am such a flavour whore - I love tasty stuff. The neurons in my brain get going, and they chant "give me more!" Give me more!"

If I stick to wine then I am usually fine the next day, I don't usually feel depressed. It's funny how alcohol can effect people differently. Because I was feeling down today, what did I do? I went and got fast food. At first I was ready to beat myself up for eating the fast food. The last two days I had been eating healthy and exercising. But I didn't beat myself up. I gave myself a pat on the back. Prior to this week I was eating fast food, everyday, sometimes twice a day. I just went the last two days without any fast food - that is awesome for me. So I had fast food today, oh well, life goes on. And to be honest, I enjoyed every freaking bite of it. It was damn delicious I tell you! I also know from experience, that if I try to go cold turkey cutting out the fast food, I fail miserably... every time! Like I said in my New Year's resolutions post, I will not overdo it, I will take it slowly. If I can go eating fast food every couple of days, for the next couple of weeks, that's a huge achievement for me. Then maybe I can go three days without eating it. One step at a time.